One of my favorite day dreams revolves around time travel. Not the kind of time travel where you are magically transported 100 years into the future so you can finally get that jet pack you’ve always wanted. And not the kind of time travel where you go back to the 16th century and blow everyone’s mind with your intermediate understanding of high school physics.
Instead, in my imagination I am the chaperon for someone else who has travelled through time - specifically someone who has come from the past. Maybe it’s because I love playing teacher, but I think it would be a lot of fun to take a person dropped into 2010 from 1920 and show them how a smart phone works. Or better yet, take them to a 3D screening of Avatar.
One of the other scenarios I often play out in my mind does actually involve some time travel on my part, although it focuses on the not-too-distant past. In my imagination, I go back to the late 60s or early 70s and somehow ingratiate myself to a bunch of flower children at an acid party. Once the party is in full swing - and everybody is tripping balls - I get everyone’s attention and tell them I have come from the future. Of course they would all be like, “No way man, that’s too far out.” And I would be all like, “Yeah, it’s true. We have a black president, everybody talks on shiny little personal communication devices, and the music is a thousand times better than this baby boomer crap you all can’t stop listening to.”
Even high on acid most of them probably wouldn’t believe me, so I would have to bust out my iPod as proof. Just showing them my flashy futuristic gizmo would probably be enough to convince them, but just in case, I would have to take the extra step and blow their minds. I would plug the iPod into their stereo (I would have to remember to bring the right cables, of course) and throw on “Mo Money Mo Problems” then sit back and watch their heads explode. Also, hopefully all the hot girls would want to sleep with me.
Now let’s take this little mind exercise one step further. Imagine that you could go way back to medieval times and drag a witch or a sorcerer into the 21st century. They would be so far removed from the way we live now that you could never hope to acclimate them. I mean, how are you going to explain the internet to someone who doesn’t even understand indoor plumbing? I think it would be better - and more entertaining - just to fuck with them.
First, you could tell them that you have the magical ability to make light out of darkness and then go “shazaam!” while you flip a light switch. Or you could buy a disposable lighter from the corner store and claim the power to make fire from thin air. Or maybe just take them bungee jumping.
But I think the best way to fuck with, say, a wizard from the 8th century would be to convince him to join a metal band. The whole thing would be just familiar enough that he could fake his way through it with only minor, hopefully comic, confusion. For one thing, he would already have the beard. All you would have to do is trade in his robe for some black jeans and a Motörhead t-shirt. Then make him drink a bunch of “magic potion” (aka Red Bull and vodka), give him a microphone and tell him to sing what he knows. I guarantee you that in no time at all, Mr. Wizard’s band would have a full repertoire of songs about Satan, evil witches, and mythical battles fought between Pagan gods.
Sadly, Stephen Hawking has proven that travelling back in time is physically impossible, so Mr. Wizard’s awesome hypothetical band will never exist. Which is why we should all sacrifice a baby goat and give thanks to the great warrior god Odin for The Sword from Austin, TX.
These guys have been my favorite metal band since I first heard the opening riff on “Barael’s Blade” from their 2006 album Age Of Winters. That record is my go-to album every time I’m drunk, tweaked on caffeine or when I just want to freak out the neighbors. Which is why I am so excited that they are getting ready to drop something new on this world of unbelievers.
With just a few weeks until the release of their new album, The Sword has released the song “Tres Brujas,” the first chapter first chapter in the epic sci-fi narrative that spans Warp Riders, which hits stores on August 24th via Kemado Records.
If you cough up an email, you can download the track now via the link below. Make sure to buy the album when it comes out and don’t forget to take it with you if you ever get the chance to travel through time or hang out with a wizard.
If you’ll excuse me for a second, I need to talk some shit about the American consumer banking system. I know this is a tired old trope, but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t use it as your digital soapbox every once in a while? Besides, I just got screwed over (again) by a bank, and it has left me feeling helpless and frustrated. And there’s nothing I hate more than feeling helpless and frustrated.
First, to sum up what you already know: If you want to do anything in this country, you have to be actively involved in our convoluted financial system. Without a bank account and at least one credit card, you can’t rent a car, rent an apartment, buy a house, make a plane reservation, get a phone, or participate in any other activity that requires you to demonstrate financial responsibility to one of the huge banks that we now know to be wildly irresponsible themselves. Do you make a habit of buying things with cash so that you can only spend money that you actually have? Do you feel that banks and credit card companies engage in predatory lending practices, charging absurd fees simply because they can and, as such, refuse to participate in their government regulated loan-sharking?
If you answered yes to either one of these run-on sentences, then you probably do not have sufficient credit history to rent a slice of bread. To anyone with even an ounce of common sense it would appear that you were being smart with your money; spending only what you have and avoiding companies that charge extremely high prices for low-value services. But to any landlord, credit card company, rental car agency or bank you are a deadbeat with no money who doesn’t deserve any of the conveniences of modern living.
Which brings me to the very abbreviated version of my story. I don’t like credit cards. I like to pay in cash and I like to buy things outright - not on layaway. But several years ago, I got sick of fighting with prospective landlords about my non-existent credit history. Also, I wanted to be able to rent a car when I travel. So I broke down and got a credit card. It had like, a $400 limit and I only used it to pay for my Netflix subscription. As far as JP Morgan Chase was concerned, I was the most boring, non-profit generating customer they had - which was how I wanted it.
Then I decided to start my own business. I went to get an SBA loan and the bank offered me six times more money than I applied for. When told them I only needed 1/6th of what they were offering me, they said, “Sure, but why not take more? It’s always good to have more money than you need…” Right. Let me just go ahead and take an extra $75,000. I’m sure that will work out great for me.
Needless to say, I declined. My application was sailing through the approval process. And then the entire economy imploded and all of a sudden the bank wouldn’t loan me dime. Whereas the month before the only qualification I needed was to fog a mirror, I now suddenly needed to show tax returns with years of escalating profit. Which, as a brand new business, I did not have. So, no loan for me.
However, the filthy rat motherfuckers at American Express offered me a dozen new credit cards at a low APR. So I got one and used it to finance my business. I was very careful to keep my balance well below my limit, and I sent them at least three or four hundred dollars every month to pay down my balance. While I was not thrilled about joining the ranks of Americans carrying credit card debt, I was willing to live with it. Plus, it helped my credit score.
Then, for god knows what reason, Amex decided to lower my limit and all of a sudden I have a maxed-out credit card. This, in turn, adversely affects my credit score. The lowered credit score allows them to raise my APR, which causes them to asses a higher monthly charge, which means that I get charged overdraft fees. And only then does the real raping and pillaging begin.
I called to complain. Of course I did. But what did they say?
“Sorry sir, but we have a clause in our fine print that allows us to fuck with you however we want. Did you read that? No? I didn’t think so. That’s too bad. Not that it would have stopped you from applying for a credit card with us. Because everybody has to have a credit card, right? Otherwise, without credit, you can’t do anything in this country. And, just so you know, all credit card companies have this clause in their fine print. Banks too. So pretty much, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Anyway, enjoy being our little bitch. Because until you can afford to pay us back - which won’t be for a very long time - you will be stuck at the bottom of a long, slippery slope that we specially designed just to fuck you up. Have a nice day.”
Fuuuuck! I am so fucking mad right now. All of a sudden, I understand why people send letter bombs or walk into corporate headquarters with a machine gun or watch Michael Moore movies. I have been royally screwed over and, because I’m poor, there is nothing I can do about it.
So, it is with a hate filled heart that I dedicate this Pig Destroyer song to every bank and credit card company in America. I hope it makes your ears bleed you fuckers.
Generally speaking, I don’t like to mix business with pleasure. This is mostly because I like to give all of my attention to the task in front of me. If it’s business time, then I make sure I handle my business. Likewise, if it’s time to party, then I want to know that all of my business has been handled so that I don’t have any responsibilities holding me back when I go on a wild, booze fueled rock n roll adventure that rages on into the early morning hours.
Of course, that is generally speaking. When we are talking specifically about CMJ, the rules about the separation of business and pleasure do not apply. CMJ is a 5 day orgy of indie music, free shwag and drink specials that goes from noon to 4am every day. There is no way that I can hope to go to that many rock shows and keep a perfectly balanced composure for all 16 hours of each day. I’m not saying that I’ll be chugging bloody marys as soon as they open the doors on the first day show, but sooner or later I’m going to have to start drinking. Combine the free alcohol with a pretty awesome roster of bands, and before you know it, it’s party time.
But you’re not here for stories about drinking. You’re here for the music - which is more interesting, honestly. Because I understand this, (and because I’m a type A personality) I committed to a close study of all CMJ shows - official or otherwise - and came up with this list of recommendations and highlights. Print it out, take it with you, get your freak on.
Tuesday 8:30pm - Free Energy @ The Studio at Webster Hall A new favorite here at Tough Customer headquarters. These kids from Philly sound like the best parts of Thin Lizzy and T.Rex as mixed by the dudes at DFA. Which is basically what it is.
10:45pm - Black Taxi @ Arlene’s Grocery An intriguing combination of indie rock, surf rock and Mark Knopfler-style riffs. New stuff sounds like cross between Kings Of Leon and Cold War Kids.
11:00pm - Saint Motel @ Kenny’s Castaways Kinda like classic rock, but more modern.
1:00am - Heavy Trash @ Santos Party House Jon Spencer’s new-ish band. Everybody likes that guy.
2:00am - Ghislain Poirier @ Glasslands “Bombastic bass lines and blazing synths dripping sizzling hot dancehall rhythms.”
Wednesday
7:00pm - The Men Who Stare At Goats @ Clearview Cinema This is actually a funny, weird-looking movie about a top-secret wing of the U.S. military. Stars George Clooney and Ewan McGregor.
8:30 - Pacific Division @ DROM New golden era hip hop from the West Coast.
9:00pm - The XX @ Mercury Lounge Might as well see what all the hype is about…
11:00pm - Ninjasonik @ Le Poisson Rouge Have you seen the video for Somebody Gonna Get Pregnant? Do you need another reason? 11:30pm - Teenage Prayers @ Southpaw This is the Futures Sounds/Rumble Party. Those guys know what they’re doing, as evidenced by the fact that they tapped this snarky faux-oldies band to play their showcase.
1:00am - Boogie Boarder @ Glasslands Gallery Loud, rhythmic garage-y rock.
Thursday
8:30pm - Bottle Up & Go @ The Studio at Webster Hall “Loud, raw, perfect bluesy mess.”
11:00pm - Shilpa Ray & Her Happy Hookers @ Pianos Haunting murder ballads. This is what I imagine Tom Waits’ wife sounds like. 12:00am - Tanya Morgan @ Southpaw Best new hip hop group of 2009. Seriously.
12:00am - Priestess @ Arlene’s Grocery This is an arena caliber rock band playing in a room the size of my basement. Something will probably explode. 1:00am - Sean Bones @ Mercury Lounge Who knew that indie rock-steady reggae pop would sound this good? Top 10 album of the year, for sure.
2:30am - Cymbals Eat Guitars @ Public Assembly Vice Mag late night party. If you’re still up and looking for something to do, this would be a good choice.
Friday 10:30pm - Red Wire Black Wire @ The Studio at Webster Hall
CD release party/homecoming/totally awesome show from Brooklyn’s best electro-pop band.
11:30pm - Yes Giantess @ The Studio at Webster Hall So smooth. Plus, you’ll already be there for the RWBW set.Might as well stay and watch these guys. 2:00am - The Postelles @ The Pure Volume House Probably the catchiest band playing at CMJ. Prepare to spend the next week humming “123 Stop” to yourself.
Saturday
5:00pm - Red Wire Black Wire @ Braur Falls In case you missed them the night before and feel bad about it.
8:00pm - Pig Destroyer @ Rocks Off Concert Cruise Bone crunching speed metal - and it’s on a boat! 9:00pm - Rumspringa @The Studio at Webster Hall Just drums and guitar, but they manage to squeeze a lot of genres into their sound.
9:45pm - Turbo Fruits @ Union Pool This is what I wished the Black Lips sounded like.
(Highly recommended shows in bold.)
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