Archive for the 'Virginia' Category

Pig Destroyer

If you’ll excuse me for a second, I need to talk some shit about the American consumer banking system. I know this is a tired old trope, but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t use it as your digital soapbox every once in a while? Besides, I just got screwed over (again) by a bank, and it has left me feeling helpless and frustrated. And there’s nothing I hate more than feeling helpless and frustrated.

First, to sum up what you already know: If you want to do anything in this country, you have to be actively involved in our convoluted financial system. Without a bank account and at least one credit card, you can’t rent a car, rent an apartment, buy a house, make a plane reservation, get a phone, or participate in any other activity that requires you to demonstrate financial responsibility to one of the huge banks that we now know to be wildly irresponsible themselves. Do you make a habit of buying things with cash so that you can only spend money that you actually have? Do you feel that banks and credit card companies engage in predatory lending practices, charging absurd fees simply because they can and, as such, refuse to participate in their government regulated loan-sharking?

If you answered yes to either one of these run-on sentences, then you probably do not have sufficient credit history to rent a slice of bread. To anyone with even an ounce of common sense it would appear that you were being smart with your money; spending only what you have and avoiding companies that charge extremely high prices for low-value services. But to any landlord, credit card company, rental car agency or bank you are a deadbeat with no money who doesn’t deserve any of the conveniences of modern living.

Which brings me to the very abbreviated version of my story. I don’t like credit cards. I like to pay in cash and I like to buy things outright - not on layaway. But several years ago, I got sick of fighting with prospective landlords about my non-existent credit history. Also, I wanted to be able to rent a car when I travel. So I broke down and got a credit card. It had like, a $400 limit and I only used it to pay for my Netflix subscription. As far as JP Morgan Chase was concerned, I was the most boring, non-profit generating customer they had - which was how I wanted it.

Then I decided to start my own business. I went to get an SBA loan and the bank offered me six times more money than I applied for. When told them I only needed 1/6th of what they were offering me, they said, “Sure, but why not take more? It’s always good to have more money than you need…” Right. Let me just go ahead and take an extra $75,000. I’m sure that will work out great for me.

Needless to say, I declined. My application was sailing through the approval process. And then the entire economy imploded and all of a sudden the bank wouldn’t loan me dime. Whereas the month before the only qualification I needed was to fog a mirror, I now suddenly needed to show tax returns with years of escalating profit. Which, as a brand new business, I did not have. So, no loan for me.

However, the filthy rat motherfuckers at American Express offered me a dozen new credit cards at a low APR. So I got one and used it to finance my business. I was very careful to keep my balance well below my limit, and I sent them at least three or four hundred dollars every month to pay down my balance. While I was not thrilled about joining the ranks of Americans carrying credit card debt, I was willing to live with it. Plus, it helped my credit score.

Then, for god knows what reason, Amex decided to lower my limit and all of a sudden I have a maxed-out credit card. This, in turn, adversely affects my credit score. The lowered credit score allows them to raise my APR, which causes them to asses a higher monthly charge, which means that I get charged overdraft fees. And only then does the real raping and pillaging begin.

I called to complain. Of course I did. But what did they say?

“Sorry sir, but we have a clause in our fine print that allows us to fuck with you however we want. Did you read that? No? I didn’t think so. That’s too bad. Not that it would have stopped you from applying for a credit card with us. Because everybody has to have a credit card, right? Otherwise, without credit, you can’t do anything in this country. And, just so you know, all credit card companies have this clause in their fine print. Banks too. So pretty much, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Anyway, enjoy being our little bitch. Because until you can afford to pay us back - which won’t be for a very long time - you will be stuck at the bottom of a long, slippery slope that we specially designed just to fuck you up. Have a nice day.”

Fuuuuck! I am so fucking mad right now. All of a sudden, I understand why people send letter bombs or walk into corporate headquarters with a machine gun or watch Michael Moore movies. I have been royally screwed over and, because I’m poor, there is nothing I can do about it.

So, it is with a hate filled heart that I dedicate this Pig Destroyer song to every bank and credit card company in America. I hope it makes your ears bleed you fuckers.

MP3: ‘Loathsome’